What do you want to be when you grow up?
Isn’t this one of the most ask question when you are little (I didn’t do the research I’m just guessing). When you are less than 5 you are most likely to answer princess for girls, and for boys’ knights or dragons (I’m not sure nor I care. I didn’t have brothers.) From 5 up, when you are being ask again, you are probably to answer one of this; teacher, doctor, police, nurse, astronaut, dancer, singer, fire department guy, designer, model, painter, writer, or whatever. But the thing is that you were always ask, and the answers for some of us (obviously ruling out the ones that wanted to be the same thing all their lives) kept changing. It was logical, we were growing. We made our parents proud every time we answer with one of the big one’s layer, teacher, policeman, doctor. They were so proud. Look at my little girl(boy) he(she) says he(she) wants to be a doctor, isn’t he(she) the cutest? Yeap, that’s how it probably was, until you got to high school, when they ask you again and you were probably thinking it would be the last time. They would go up to you and ask WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE? Now here, is when it really matters. Because now you are going to college and the answer you will give its going to defined you. You are going to carry the title on your shoulders and this decision will follow you for the rest of your life. Easy, right? For the people who always knew and never change, congratulations you are awesome, carry on. But for people like me who never knew and just wanted to do something colorful or creative but didn’t have the money, the awesome grades or maybe the skills to enter into one of the great schools, well, it sucks. And the question drowns you.
When I was in high school getting ready for college I wanted to go to an art institute. The problem was that I didn’t have a portfolio let alone the money to pay for the school (don’t nag me about scholarships, they are not for everyone and they don’t pay it all) and I would have to get out of Puerto Rico on my own to pursuit something I wasn’t even sure I was good at. So, I did the most logical (in my head) thing I could think of. I sent applications to all of them, and pick different random stuff. I wanted them to decide for me. Genius, right? I thought the first one that answers me would be the want meant for me. The mail came in and trtrtrtrtr (that’s my pore imitation of a drum roll..., whatever) it was an Acceptance letter from the movie Accepted. (sighs) It doesn’t get any better than that. For any one of you who didn’t see the movie Accepted here’s the synopsis from IMDb:
A high school slacker who's rejected by every school he applies to opts to create his own institution of higher learning, the South Harmon Institute of Technology, on a rundown piece of property near his hometown.
I should had taken that as a sign. (sighs) I was so frustrated when I got this. I mean really? are you freaking kidding me, this didn’t answer my question of who to be. This just told me what I already knew, and that was that I had no idea what I was going to do whit the rest of my life. After that lovely letter (full intended sarcasm) I got my acceptance letter (sadly it wasn’t from Hogwarts) to a real university/ college, it was The University of Puerto Rico, the cheapest and hardest one ever…est. (lol) yayyy on the field… trtrtrrttrtr (another pore drum roll) wait for it, trtrtrtrtrtrtr (lol) accounting. Yeap, I got in to be an accounting. Yayyy (insert sarcasm here) Apparently they thought that someone who had never being good at math, was going to be a great accounting. (before you start yelling I know that there are many fields to accounting and is more than simple math, it’s about analyzing and blah, blah, blah…) The answer I was waiting for came, although this shows you how accurate getting in to college is(sarcasm). So I went, and tried to be an accounting. And I hated it. But most importantly I sucked. Couldn’t expect any more than that you see when I was taking my College Board or in your case the SAT’s I dowse of. The test made me sleepy. (That’s how awesome I am at taking test). But that’s another story.
The thing is that college ate me alive. I really sucked at it, and I hated it so much. I was dropping out of classes, changing mayors, it was basically a disaster. Although not everything was lost. I actually took some classes that I enjoy. One of them was a psychology class. Did I wanted to be a Psychologist? No, but I enjoy the class. What I actually enjoy about it, were the books we read on it. And that also happen with a history class. Was I good at those classes? Sadly no. But I enjoyed them non the less. There was a Marketing class that I took twice that I really enjoyed but kept getting F’s in all my exams. Yes. That’s how it was. I kept dropping and changing until I got even more frustrated. So I tried a Saturday morning class in another place that didn’t have a grating system it was more like a workshop thing. It thought me how to cut hair. Which was great, given that I loved to do stuff whit my hands. This class relaxed me and kept me busy. When I was on that class room (that looked like a basement, which was probably it) I forgot about the world and its frustrations and just cut hair. Awesome right.
So, thanks to that I did what looked right. I tried to get in as a full student. This place was a Beauty Institute, were you could study and make a profession out of cutting hair. Be a professional hair dresser. Cool, right? The problem was that I would have to take actual exams and it cost a lot. (again, the scholarships are not for everyone. I applied to all of them and couldn’t get any, well just one but they didn’t pay for all of it, so stop nagging me about it.) I got in. it was easy, you only had to show up to get in (kind of like Accepted, just one click away lol). I dropped out of the University of Puerto Rico, to go to this institute, but then realize that I couldn’t afford it. So, I drag my sorry ass back to University of Puerto Rico, to keep studying something I hated. I think at this point I was in the department of Management, I’m not sure. Anyways after that I married some loser, dropped out of college again, lived a marriage life for about 2 years I think. Which I hated, because he was an immature “man” who just wanted to party and pretend to have a perfect life, with lots of money in his pocket (meaning that I had to pay for all the utilities) and a wife to bang whenever he wanted (which meant marital rape, something that almost no one talks about (but this is definitely a story for another time)). Then thanks to God, got out of that (well, he cheated and decided that didn’t want to be with me anymore because I didn’t party enough and stuff) with lovely divorce papers at the age of 25, yayyyy (full intended sarcasm) living with my parents in my old room, sleeping in a bed I had since I was born. Asking myself the same freaking question, what do I want to be when I grow up? Meaning now. At the age of 26. (sighs). And well still with no clear answer and lots of debts, thanks to my fail marriage. Living life trying to do and follow dreams long ago buried in my heart. Which are writing, painting, and well, being creative. Am I good at it? Probably not. But I love it.
I have since decided to stop caring about what society thinks of me. Of who I should be, I’m not going to let the fact that I have no bachelorettes degree or haven’t accomplish something great defined who I am. I don’t care if I’m marriage material or not. I’m not looking for the “so call” ideal life. If people choose to think that I’m a screw-up, then find by me. I’m not going to care. At list not today. lol
But let’s face it society will always try to dictate who you should be, or tell you who you are based on what you have accomplish. Let’s fight this.
What am I now that I’m a grownup? well, I am a writer and occasional painter, currently working as a personal assistant/ secretary/ or anything else they need me for and super active member of the church that I currently visit. Maybe people don’t know me by it, and that’s ok, but that’s what I am. What I choose to be. If I’m not good at it, who cares. But I have decided. That’s my final answer. (at list for now) lol
